US92 - Today's Best Country
72˚
Things You've Heard
This was read by Dave on Veteran's Day 2009...Mike Flood wrote it after visiting the Norfolk Veteran's Home one day...Excellent job, Mike.
By Sen. Mike Flood
In late September, it was my privilege to tour the Norfolk Veterans’ Home. As I walked from unit to unit in this modern, well-run nursing facility, I recognized familiar faces among the energetic and caring staff and talked with a number of veterans. The experience is never routine, and the Norfolk Veterans’ Home has become one of my favorite stops as a state senator. But on this last visit, something new caught my eye.
A community volunteer had just recently finished installing “shadow boxes,” ten-by-ten inch wooden display cases, protected by glass, and placed outside many of the veterans’ rooms. What a gift, I thought. Someone had taken the initiative and a good deal of time to build these beautiful display cases. Admiring the display’s craftsmanship, I began to more closely inspect their contents: the pictures, the cast-iron tractors, and the various other pieces of carefully chosen memorabilia. I found myself wanting to linger outside the rooms and envision the life that those things represented. Indeed, each box tells a story. What I saw, told the stories of humble men, who, when called, became heroes and then returned to the country they love.
Each box, without variation, contained a black and white photo of the veteran, in uniform, most likely overseas, with his comrades. They were dirty, tired, skinny warriors. They were strapping young men, big smiles, and proud. But more than anything, it struck me how comfortable each one looked in service to his country. They were spread out on tanks, pictured bundled up in a freezing conditions, and more often than not, surrounded by what seem to be the greatest friends in the world.
The next picture, just to the right, was often the veteran with his wife on their wedding day or at home with the kids—an incredible transition from the war-time photo. Here, in these pictures, a young man smiles with his arms around his bride or is cuddled on the couch with a couple of small children. I thought to myself, is this the same man? In these photos, I saw no uniform, nothing military, just a man at home with family, happy as ever. You would never know that he had just been in some of the most dangerous and life-threatening places in the world. It is almost impossible to imagine what he saw or what he had to do, just by looking at these photos.
In the bottom left of the case was usually the first color photo—often an aerial picture of a farm place and plenty of green, growing corn. The sun is shining brightly on a two story farm house, or sometimes, a one story brick ranch home. The house looks small from above, and there are a few buildings, a barn, a long driveway and miles and miles of crops. There is no caption. No people. Just land and a home. By the time I got to this photo, I thought I had perhaps figured it out. This was not just real estate, it was a veteran’s dream. It was the reason he fought. He identified with that land and loved the family that lived in that house. There were no medals or awards in that box, just the family and the farm.
The final picture in the lower right varied from veteran to veteran. For some, it was an updated color photo of him and his bride. For others, it was a photo of grandchildren or of him on his favorite tractor. Inside that box, there were toy tractors, dog tags, or a crucifix—keepsakes that quietly communicated what was important to him—without boasting or asking for anything in return.
Each box told a story, a story, the full extent of which, he probably did not realize he was sharing. Room to room, those boxes told a story about loving one’s wife, children, God and country. You could not pass a box without thinking of his sacrifice, or the sacrifice of his family, perhaps crying themselves to sleep, hoping their loved one would come home. In the end, these men did come home. I know that some of those other soldiers, sailors, and airmen in the picture with the veteran did not.
After admiring each box, I would poke my head around the door. There he was.
In his favorite chair, eyes closed, and television on. Living in a home built
for him. He had simply done what was asked of him and he did it well. And as he
rests in his room, I am in awe of what this warrior accomplished in his
life—his focus, his commitment, his love of the land. If awakened, he would
probably want to talk about the price of corn or the early frost. These
are Nebraska Heroes. On that day, in that home, I saw the very best of
ONLY A REAL NEBRASKAN CAN APPRECIATE THESE RULES...
Know the State casserole.
The state casserole consists of canned green beans,
Get used to food festivals.
The Nebraska Legislature, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed
legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least
one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Husker
fan to attend these festivals and buy at least one Turkey Leg, Funnel Cake or
Deep-fried delight of your choice.
Be prepared for all weather…
Speaking of
The best way to sell something in
Remember that Nebraskans are never the first to embrace trends. When they do
embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see
a Nebraskan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to
guard against rust…
You know you're from
You think the state bird is the Snipe...otherwise, why would we go snipe
hunting?
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Down south to you means
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You know what the phrase 'knee-high by the Fourth of July' means.
You've heard of Pitch, you know how to play Pitch, and you are a master of Pitch.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery
store, no matter what time of year it is.
Detasseling was your first job - bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack
hay, swim in the pond to clean up and then have the strength to play a couple
of games of football, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like catty-wampus and catty corner and know what they mean.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and then leave them both
unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
You drink pop.
You get Dorthy Lynch dressing when you ask for French Dressing at a restaurant
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farm
implement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a slurry wagon or a manure
spreader.
High school football games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie
theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but
requires six for local sports.
You can see at least two Husker flags from your yard right now.
Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or
work.
Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at
home or on duty.
You take the “back roads” to get from town to town so you don’t have to “fight
the traffic” on those pesky state highways.
LAWS OF SUCCESS
You want something -- What are you willing to pay for it?
The greatest waste of emotion -- Guilt
The greatest mistake -- Giving Up
The greatest blessing -- Good Health
The greatest gamble -- Substituting hope for facts
The greatest joy -- Being Needed
The greatest opportunity -- the next one
The greatest thought -- God
The greatest victory -- Victory over self.
The greatest handicap -- Ego (Edging God Out)
The greatest loss -- Loss of Self Confidence
The greatest need -- Common Sense
The best action -- Keeping the mind clear and judgment good
The biggest fool -- The man who lies to himself.
The most potent force -- Positive thinking
The most certain thing in life -- Change
The most intelligent man -- The one who does what he thinks is right.
The most rewarding play -- Successful work
The most expensive indulgence -- Hate
The most dangerous person -- The liar
The most ridiculous trait -- False Pride
http://kidsafe.com/a-football-gives-hope
CLICK THE LINK ABOVE TO WATCH THE VIDEO OF HOW ONE FOOTBALL TEAM AND THEIR FANS ACTUALLY CHEERED FOR THEIR OPPONENT. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST INSPIRING SPORTS STORIES I HAVE EVER SEEN. GET OUT YOUR BOX OF TISSUES!
Here's the Taser Story you've been requesting...
Last weekend I saw
something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5”
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both members of my chest on fire, my “man
parts” nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-GUN THAT HURT LIKE HECK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both parts of my chest were
still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my “man parts” and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it!
In reflection, I am reminded of a great saying I heard long ago…'If you think
Education is difficult, try being stupid!’
LIFE IS A GIFT
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She
hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always
there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see
the world, I will marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages
came off, she was able to see everything, including her
boyfriend.
He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The
girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The
sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected
that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life
led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before
they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who
was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't
speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went
too early to heaven.
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your face and think: you're alive and still
around.
ROOM IN YOUR HEART
Sorrow fills a barren space;
you close your eyes and see my face
and think of times I made you laugh,
the love we shared, the bond we had,
the special way I needed you -
the friendship shared by just we two.
The day's too quiet, the world seems older,
the wind blows now a little colder.
You gaze into the empty air
and look for me, but I'm not there -
I'm in heaven and I watch you,
and I see the world around you too.
I see little souls wearing fur,
souls who bark and souls who purr
born unwanted and unloved -
I see all this and more above -
I watch them suffer, I see them cry,
I see them lost, I watch them die.
I see unwanted thousands born -
and when they die, nobody mourns.
These little souls wearing fur
(Some who bark and some who purr)
are castaways who - unlike me -
will never know love or security.
A few short months they starve and roam,
Or caged in shelters - nobody takes home.
They're special too (furballs of pleasure),
filled with love and each one, a treasure.
My pain and suffering came to an end,
so don't cry for me, my person, my friend.
But think of the living -
those souls with fur
(some who bark and some who purr) -
And though our bond can't be broken apart,
make room for another in your home and
your heart.
--- Caro Schubert-James ---
HEAVEN'S DOGGY-DOOR
My best friend closed his eyes last
night, As his head was in my hand.
The Doctors said he was in pain,
And it was hard for him to stand.
The thoughts that scurried through
my head, As I cradled him in my arms.
Were of his younger, puppy years,
And OH...his many charms.
Today, there was no gentle nudge
With an intense "I love you gaze",
Only a heart thats filled with tears
Remembering our joy filled days.
But an Angel just appeared to me,
And he said, "You should cry no more,
GOD also loves our canine friends,
HE's installed a 'doggy-door"!
--- Jan Cooper --- 1995
(Thanks to Mary Bauer who sent this to me on email)
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that
obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment!
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.
Here's to the Fathers
Here's to the fathers, who always begin,
on the outside of children, but looking in.
Such curious men snapping cameras like mad,
recording the moment, they turn into "Dad."
Here's to the fathers, who put in their time,
who don't say to mother's that's your job, not mine.
Who wipe chins and noses and never say "won't"
who do with the diapers, what some fathers don't.
Here's to the fathers who manage to stay
when so many fathers are turning away.
When so many run, leaving families to rot,
here, then, a cheer, for those who do not.
Here's to the fathers whose big money dreams,
die in the corner while their baby screams.
And yet without anger, dread or regrets,
they comfort the child, hold it close to their chests.
And as the child grows, they grow with it too,
learning a depth, that they never knew.
And soon they are older, their hair slightly gone,
chasing two children around the front lawn.
Or carpooling teams to Little League games,
buying them hamburgers after it rains.
They mend broken dolls and fix broken wheels,
they cringe when their daughters, try their first pair of heels.
They reach in their pockets, but never keep count,
they pay dear for parenthood awful amounts
They postpone their plans to sail across seas,
instead they sing "Barney" and bandage skinned knees.
Here's to the fathers who miss on promotions,
who forego the bonus for birthday commotions.
Who come home from work and a boss they don't like
pull in the drive.... and run over a bike.
Here's to the fathers who get off the phone,
to hear their sons practice their new saxaphone
Who leave work to see their daughter's recital
Here's to the heroes who work without title.
For this is a world now full of neglect,
with everyday stories of lives that are wrecked.
Of fatherless children who take up with guns
to kill other children of fatherless sons.
Divorce shattered families, childhoods derailed,
mothers still waiting for checks still unmailed
You wonder what wrongs these souls ever did
to make a grown man turn away from his kids.
So here's to the fathers who won't compromise
who see a light shining in their children's eyes
And feel a rare glow as if from a gem
and know that once someone saw this glow in them.
For all the good boys they have raised in the world
for all the examples they set for their girls
For all the loved children whose stories they'll tell
Here's to the father's that taught them so well.
QUESTIONS FOR MY DOCTOR
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
And.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Check out this website!
http://parade.salary.com/salarytimer/layoutscripts/stml_start.asp
This is the website that let's you compare what you make to what the rich and famous multi-million dollar salaries! Just choose the star you want to compare to and depress youself with the "per hour" wage they make compared to you!!! I know it made me sick! Make sure to compare your hourly wage to Oprah's! There's also some other handy calculators that help you determine how much to save for your kids' college education (that will also depress you!). Seriously, it's pretty cool to have fun with this web site!
THE HUSBANDS BILL OF RIGHTS
By Craig Playstead
Preamble:
We, the husbands of
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
WOMAN'S BILL OF RIGHTS!!!
Preamble:
We, the wives of
Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of
Jill Adler is a freelance writer based in
Childhood Doesn't Wait
I was sitting on a bench
while in a nearby mall,
When I noticed a young mother
with two children who were small.
The youngest one was whining,
"Pick me up," I heard him beg
but the mother's face grew angry
as the child clung to her leg.
"Don't hang on to me," she shouted
as she pushed his hands away,
I wish I'd had the courage
to go up to her and say...
"The time will come too quickly
when those little arms that tug,
Won't ask for you to hold them
or won't freely give a hug.
"The day will sneak up subtly
just as it did with me,
When you can't recall the last time
that your child sat on your knee.
"Like those sacred, pre-dawn feedings
when we cherished time alone
Our babies grow and leave behind
those special times we've known.
"So when your child comes to you
with a book that you can share,
Or asks that you would tuck him in
and help him say his prayer...
"When he comes to sit and chat
or would like to take a walk,
Before you answer that you can't
`cause there's no time to talk.
"Remember what all parents learn
so many times too late,
That years go by too quickly
and that childhood doesn't wait.
"Take every opportunity,
if one should slip away
Reach hard to get it back again,
don't wait another day."
I watched that mother walk away
her children followed near,
I hope she'll pick them up
before her chances disappear..
by Kathie Davis
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female! Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective rep
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. Click Here to listen to a 12-year old Nebraska Boy describe his conversation with God after having to put down his calf. AMAZING!!! Thanks to KSBJ in Texas for sharing this audio...
A Father's Open Letter To his Son
"Listen, I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blonde hair, sticky wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily, I came to your bedside.
These are the things I was thinking...I had been cross with you. I scolded you as you were getting ready for school, because you gave your face merely a dab with the towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out, in anger, when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast, I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thickly on your bread. And, as you started to leave, you turned and waved a hand and called..."Good-bye,Dad", and I frowned and in reply said."Hold your shoulders back!"
Then, it began all over again, in late afternoon. As I came up the walk, I spied you down on your knees playing marbles. There were holes in the knees of your pants. I humiliated you in front of your friends by marching you ahead of me into the house. I told you clothes were expensive, and if you had to pay for them yourself, you'd be more careful!
Do you remember later, when I was reading, how you came, timid, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my book, impatiant at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What do you want?" I snapped! You said nothing, but ran across the room in one great plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and then your small arms tightened with an affection that God has set blooming in your heart, and which, even neglect could not wither....and then you were gone; pattering down the hall.
Well, it was shortly after that my book slipped from my hands and a terrible, sickening fear came over me. This habit of finding fault, of reprimanding, this is my reward to you..for being a child? It was not that I did not love you, it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years. And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart in you was as big as the dawn itself over the hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to run in and kiss me.
Nothing else matters tonight, Son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt here ashamed. It is a feeble atonement. I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you in your waking hours. But, tomorrow, I will be a real parent. I will play with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatiant words come. I will keep saying, as if it were a ritual..."He's nothing but a child..a little child."
I'm afraid I visualized you as an adult, yet, as I see you now, crumpled in your bed..I see you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in my arms, your head on my shoulder. I have asked too much...........WAY TOO MUCH!!
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT
A 92-year-old, frail, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and
shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing
home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been
hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having
just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my
room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how
I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I
make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in
bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no
longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new
day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in
my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from it what you've put
in."
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.
I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5 Expect less.
LADIES, are you driving your husband or boyfriend absolutely nuts? Maybe you don't want to admit it? If you're unsure, we have a quiz for you that you can try.
ARE YOU DRIVING YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY?
1. Have you told your husband that you wished he made more money?
2. Do you frequently remind your husband to pick up after himself?
3. Do you dislike your husband's family or close friends and tell him about it?
4. Do you frequently criticize your husband for his bad habits?
5. Do you contradict your husband in front of the children or your friends?
6. When you and your husband are with others, do you ever "joke" about him being less than romantic?
7. Do you tell your husband that he rarely lifts a hand to help you?
8. Have you told your husband that you wish he could be more like your father or some other man you admire?
9. Do you frequently remind your husband not to eat certain foods or to not touch food items in the refrigerator?
10. If you know something is bothering your husband, do you force him to talk?
To find out whether you irritate your husband, add your "yes" answers, then check your total against the scoring key below.
? 0-3 You're an easy woman to live with and probably don't irritate your man.
? 4-6 You tend to irritate your mate, but you can improve simply by taking a close look at the questions you answered with a "yes," then changing those things.
? 7-10 You are a nag! You definitely irritate your husband. Even if you feel that he is the one annoying you, it's time to take a look at your own part in the unpleasantness. You will eventually drive your man away!
Did You Know That?
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerinetherapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Colacure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
A Carrot, An Egg and A Cup of Coffee...
Click on the link below to read the story!!!
http://www.hapkido.com/deepthoughts/coffee.htm
Trick or Treat Personalities
If you hand out...
Licorice sticks or lollipops: You're an optimist.
Tangy candy, like lemon drops or sweet tarts: You're intuitive
Friut-flavored candy, like Skittles or Jolly Ranchers: You're creative!
Candy with peanuts, like Peanut M&M's or Snickers: You're organized
Candy Corn: You're energetic
Solid Chocolate, candy bars or Hershey's Kisses: You're loyal
Bernie Mac's Take on Raising Kids
MacNuggets of Wisdom By Bernie Mac (taken from TV Guide Magazine)
People come up to me all the time asking for advice. They want advice about their love life, they want advice about their job, they want advice about their clothes. (OK, they might not want advice about their clothes, but damn, some of these people need serious help.) They come to me because they know Bernie Mac always tells the truth. I say what everybody else wishes they could say. So when they ask me about raising kids, I tell them straight up: The biggest mistake you can make is trying to be your child's friend. You cannot be your child's friend.
Tough love, that's what kids need. You don't negotiate with kids. You don't worry about hurting their feelings. If they ask, "Why?" you tell 'em, "'Cause I said so, that's why." Kids need to know you love them, but they also need to know if they do something wrong.
I'm not talking about child abuse here. I'm not talking about hurting kids. Just getting their attention. When I was growing up, we not only had ass whuppings, we had appointments for ass whuppings, just so we could think about it all day. My mama used to tell me at nine o'clock in the morning, "When your granddaddy gets home, he's gonna whup your ass." Man, my whole day was messed up. I couldn't eat, I couldn't play sports. I'd be playing baseball, thinking about my grandfather coming home, and I was in such a trance that the ball would go right past me. Everybody was hollering, "Bernie Mac, what is wrong with you?" And all I could say was, "My grandfather is gonna whup my ass." He never did. But the threat of the belt was enough.
As a parent, you're not here to be liked. I'm 44 years old, and it was my generation that dropped the ball on this. The older generation ? my mother and my grandmother ? they knew how to discipline. They taught us respect, and they made sure we followed rules. They used to say, "This ain't no popularity contest," which is a good thing, 'cause they'd have damn sure finished last. But they didn't care. They'd send me to my room, and I'd say, "I hate you." And they'd just yell back, "We hate you, too. Now, you're gonna go in there and clean that room." And I did.
Parents today don't want to be parents. They want to be too cool. They want to be hip. They don't want to be the bad guys. Well, that's our job. We're not here to make those kids like us. We're here to save their lives. When they do something wrong, it's our job to tell them what they did wrong and in a way that they understand. You can't sugarcoat it. You can't worry about them being mad at you. I say, "I don't care if you're mad or not. You'll get over it."
Now we want to reward kids for everything. We give 'em money for grades. "I got all Bs." "Oh, here you go. Two hundred dollars." "My teacher said I didn't cause any trouble today." "Really? Here's $50." No. Uh-uh. I am not gonna pay you for doing something you're supposed to do.
You can say that's too harsh, but our parents were harsh, and we're better people because of it. I'll give you a perfect example. When I was 14, we had a cat who stayed on our block who looked like he was having all the best fun. Kids in that house could stay up till six o'clock in the morning. They had the girls, they had the beers.
I mean, their house was the house. But my grandmother wasn't having none of that. We had to be in the house at eight o'clock, by the time the streetlights came on. And I don't mean on the porch in front of the house, I mean in the house. We hated it.
But when I go back to my old neighborhood, those cats are still there. They haven't changed a bit. They've got no discipline, no sense of responsibility. They don't take care of their kids, they don't take care of themselves. They are just careless with their lives, 'cause they never had anyone to keep them in line. No one gave them any drive. I am so grateful to my mother for making me come home. If she hadn't done that, I don't know where I'd be. But I wouldn't be as successful as I am. I know that.
So, once you understand that raising children is like waging war ? there will be victories, there will be defeats and there will be casualties ? you've got to follow the basic rules of warfare, the most important of which is:
KNOW YOUR ENEMY. There are things you need to understand about kids and how they operate. Yes, they are small, but they are sneaky and do not have a conscience. So, here's a short list of things you need to know about your children.
KNOW THAT THEY WILL LIE. Kids will lie to you in a minute, even if they know that you know they are lying. Kids wanna play and stay up late. They wanna watch television and wear the same drawers every day. And they will lie to accomplish these goals. I once told the minister that my grandmother was choking me, even though I knew she'd done no such thing. The minister (and a social worker) ended up having a talk with my grandmother, and I spent the rest of my childhood unable to sit down.
KNOW THAT THEY WILL EXPLOIT YOUR WEAKNESSES. Kids know how to look innocent, even when they are caught in the act. They will give you a look like a puppy dog, as if they're weak and helpless. Because they are ruthless, they will use this against you.
KNOW THAT THEY HEAR EVERYTHING YOU SAY. And they will use it against you. Kids may not be able to remember why they took off their clothes in the grocery store, but they will remember everything you said, in complete detail, and they will quote it back to you whenever it suits them. They've got some kind of special memory bank inside their head. Kids will crawl under your bed to hear your conversations. They will spy on you, and if necessary, they will tap your phone.
In conclusion, just remember that when you are tough on your children, it's for their own good. Letting them have their own way is the same as telling them you don't care. And if you think you're being too hard on them, try to remember the words of Nietzsche, who said, "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."
What Is a Boy?
by: Alan Beck
Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood we find a delightful creature called a boy. Boys come in assorted sizes, weights, and colors, but all boys have the same creed: to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day and to protest with noise (their only weapon) when their last minute is finished and the adult males pack them off to bed at night.
Boys are found everywhere -- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around, or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them, and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair, and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.
When you are busy, a boy is an inconsiderate, bothersome, intruding jangle of noise. When you want him to make a good impression, his brain turns to jelly or else he becomes a savage, sadistic, jungle creature bent on destroying the world and himself with it.
A boy is a composite -- he has the appetite of a horse, the digestion of a sword-swallower, the energy of a pocket-sized atomic bomb, the curiosity of a cat, the lungs of a dictator, the imagination of a Paul Bunyan, the shyness of a violet, the audacity of a steel trap, the enthusiasm of a firecracker, and when he makes something, he has five thumbs on each hand.
He likes ice cream, knives, saws, Christmas, comic books, the boy across the street, woods, water (in its natural habitat), large animals, Dad, trains, Saturday mornings, and fire engines. He is not much for Sunday School, company, schools, books without pictures, music lessons, neckties, barbers, girls, overcoats, adults, or bedtime.
Nobody else is so early to rise, or so late to supper. Nobody else gets so much fun out of trees, dogs, and breezes. Nobody else can cram into one pocket a rusty knife, a half-eaten apple, three feet of string, an empty Bull Durham sack, two gum drops, six cents, a slingshot, a chunk of unknown substance, and a genuine supersonic code ring with a secret compartment.
A boy is a magical creature -- you can lock him out of your workshop, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can't get him out of your mind. Might as well give up -- he is your captor, your jailer, your boss, and your master -- a freckled-faced, pint-sized, cat-chasing, bundle of noise. But when you come home at night with only shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new with two magic words, "Hi Dad!"
The Stranger
from an anonymous email
A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small
As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. In my young mind, each member had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors-- Mom taught me to love the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries and comedies were daily conversations. He could hold our whole family spell-bound for hours each evening.
If I wanted to know about politics, history, or science, he knew it all. He knew about the past, understood the present, and seemingly could predict the future. The pictures he could draw were so life like that I would often laugh or cry as I watched.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
You see, my dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions. But this stranger never felt obligation to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house-- not from us, from our friends, or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, used occasional four letter words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush!
My dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home - not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (probably too much too freely) about that 3-letter word that starts with "s". His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the relationship were influenced by the stranger.
As I look back, I believe it was the grace of God that the stranger did not influence us more. Time after time he opposed the values of my parents. Yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our young family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parents den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We always just called him TV.
****NOTE: This should be required reading for every household in
He has a younger sister now. We call her "computer."
Told by Keith Currie
THE MAN RULES:
You know that Miller Lite commercial that has Burt Reynolds and a bunch of other dudes debating man rules and them writing them down as law? Well, Dave's friends in
Never comment on how hot or NOT a friend?s mom is
Never borrow a buddies golf clubs
Never order a frozen fruity drink in a bar
Even if it?s pouring rain and all you have in the car is your daughter?s Barbie umbrella, you can?t use it
While using a public restroom, no talking until you reach the sink
2 men shall leave one seat in between them in a movie theater
No man shall ever date his buddy?s sister
If 2 friends are interested in the same girl, one MUST back off
No man shall allow a Tupperware, Pampered Chef, candle, etc. party to be held in his home
NEVER eat salad as a meal
No man shall EVER apply lotion to another man?s back at the beach or any other setting
No man shall get a pedicure or a manicure
No man shall ride on the back of a motorcycle
Men shall never assist another man in shaving, anything
No 2 men shall share an umbrella unless one is a caddy
A Mother's Letter to a Son Starting Kindergarten
By Rebecca Christian (found in Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul)
Dear George,
When your big brother and your little dog and I walked you up to school today, you had no idea how I was feeling. You were so excited, you had packed and unpacked the washable markers and safety scissors in your backpack a dozen times. I am really going to miss those lazy mornings when we waved your brother and sister off to school. I'd settle in with my coffee and newspaper, handing you the comics to color while you watched